Its not about being loved,its about loving someone

22nd of January 2007

Well I dont usually post on a daily basis, but since today it was a bit different, I thought I might as well write about it.

Well it was cloudy today, but it became pleasant during the afternoon;it drizzled a bit afterwards.Now what makes this day really special, is that I realised how much one wants to be loved.

Yes thats right, to be loved.

I dont know if anybody will ever read this, so I am writting it as though I am, sort of, talkin to myself.

Back to Love.Well its been about a few days now since my girlfriend and I stopped seeing each other.She used to call me almost every half an hour before and now my fone just sits quitely in some remote corner of my room.To say that I am heart broken would be an exaggeration, but still I feel bad, as though I have lost something.

The funny part is I am to blame for all this.

Well I will give a brief explanation of how it all started.She rang me sometime around the mid of November 06,she said she got my number from somewhere, an I thought why not.Lets Talk.We used to speak for hours on the go.But then towards the end of November,I got busy with my exams, she understood that an for a few weeks(during the exams) we only spoke once a day.
Once I was finished with my exams I decided to meet this girl, we met an I liked her (she was gorgeous) and then it went on from there as usual.

Now here is the tricky part, I think just after Christmas I went to a party at a bar with some friends and got really drunk absolutely smashed.As far as I can remember she called me a few times during that night,by the time I got out of the club, at around 3 or 4 in the morning, she called me again, only this time I picked up her call.God knows what was goin through my mind, I was so drunk I didnt know what I was doing, an all of a sudden I started saying that I loved her etc etc.

The next day she called me again (she was pissed off for some reason) and asked me if I meant what I said the night before (or actually earlier that morning);I was a bit shocked and then all of a sudden all of it came back to me.I thought for a second, and realised if I told her that I hadnt meant what I said (that I loved her), she might think of me as a, well as an idiot.So straight away I said I loved her, and at the same time hoped that by saying it in broad daylight would make it sound truer than it actually was.For some reason she was glad actually very glad to hear those words, an she told me to repeat them a few times : over an over again.Then she started saying them back to me. And it was then I realised what I had gotten myself into.

But anyway, I think it was in the first week of January, that ALL of a sudden , out of nowhere she asked if I would get engaged with her. Now this was the second time that I started thinking, I thought, as I was on holidays, and I have nothing better to do, so why dont I get engaged! : I thought it was a good thing to do.I was so wrong.

She gave me a ring, and I knew I had to give her one from my side.But the only thing I had on my mind was utter confusion.Senselessness to be honest.I couldnt take it anymore.I had to tell her.And I did.

I said I needed more time and that we were rushing into things and we should take some time to think about it.She agreed.When I tried to return her ring,she declined to take it back and said I should keep it.(I thought why not, its only a ring).

It went on like this for a few more days.Then for some reason I started ignoring her calls.I didnt wanted to pick up.I was LOST as usual.She called me so many times for so many days, I did use to pick up occasionally and make some excuse, then we would start talking normally again,like nothing happened (as though I was genuinely caught up).She used to get upset.And angry.And I could feel it in her voice.

I didnt know what to do.I knew it wont work out.I just knew it.And yet there she was calling me again an again.And me, being God knows what, kept ignoring her calls.I think it gave me sence of pleasure by not picking up her calls,I wanted her to hate me.

She was a very passionate person to some extent obsessive and that frightened me.Knowing that somebody loves u so passionately gives you an odd feeling.A feeling that is hard to describe.In a way I envied her for her passion,her passion for me.

Eventually when she couldnt put up any more with my "odd" behaviour, her calls (missed calls) slowly seemed to drop.The finally one day she didnt call me at all.I was happy.

I think about a day or two latter she called me again,this time I picked up.We chatted normally,we spoke for a few minutes and then at the end she said "Take Care of urself", I said something like that back to her.Then she hung up.With a sort of certainity in the click that told me she wont ever call me back. I shud have been happy : ) ( as what I had planned to be).But I was not.I dont know why.

Then I started thinking "again", going over the whole thing and being miserable about how badly I treated her.How much she was hurt.All the pain she went through. All the bad things in me. How dumb I was :

Then I realised something (today actually), that how important it was to be loved, but more importantly how important is it to love someone.To be loved by someone, you have to love them in the first place.Its not about being loved, its about loving someone.She was a better person all along.I wish I could tell this to her.Now everything is clear.

Its not about being loved,its about loving someone.